My friend is flaunting her recent wealth and I’m finding it rather offensive

She makes constant references to her abundance of money and orders the most expensive dish on the menu

My best friend of 30 years has recently become wealthy after her husband’s successful building business took off over the past five years. The issue is not that I have turned into a green-eyed monster, but that she constantly flaunts her flashy, new lifestyle, making incessant references to their abundance of money! I struggle financially, working full-time on a modest salary with a very basic lifestyle. Am I being unreasonable in expecting her not to order the most expensive dish on the menu and then split the bill? Or constantly refer to her luxury lady-of-leisure lifestyle? I really value our friendship but just wish she was more thoughtful and sensitive.
– Miffed
It’s always difficult when big changes happen to one person in a friendship, particularly when that change revolves around something we either yearn for or something society has educated us to believe we should yearn for. Could be a new relationship; getting thin; coming into meaningful money or any number of other shifts. If it speaks to what we do not have, part of us will often wonder, “Why not me?” Of course we do. And then we proceed without destroying our relationships, even though other people’s luck can feel so painful when we are struggling. It can make us hate them a little. Babies. Promotions. Fitness. Our good friends reflect certain aspects of life back at us and that will serve to highlight the way we feel about ourselves and our circumstances. That’s just human nature.
But it feels like two things are at play here: firstly is she “flaunting”, or is that just what you are hearing? You say you are not jealous. “Luxury lady-of-leisure-lifestyle”?!? You sound jealous. That’s okay. We would probably be jealous too. Shifts are hard. What is she meant to do? This is her reality now. She is telling you about her life. She is not pretending she didn’t get those shoes or that kitchen. She’s not hiding the new bag or the flashy holiday. You are reading it as flaunting. Just as some are ready to accuse a woman with a conventionally sensational body in a bikini of “flaunting” her figure when she is, in fact, just…wearing a bikini, your friend can’t help the fact that she now has an affluent lifestyle. It’s just her life. It would be hard for her to leave everything out. 
But you are working hard and struggling, which makes this dynamic difficult and painful. You are going without, while she is busy doing fabulous things. This is why we all sulk while scrolling on Instagram. It is worth remembering that her becoming richer has not made you poorer. Context and comparison have made you feel poorer, but your life bowls along as it always did. She has, perhaps, not yet learned how to handle her new money. This brings us to the second point, which is a less sticky one.
Just as five years is a short enough time to be rather gauche around your wealth, it is also a long enough time to forget about something like… the pressure of a truffle risotto or posh bottle of red wine added to an otherwise doable restaurant bill. She is still splitting the bill as she did when you were both on similar salaries, but she no longer feels the pinch – the slight breathlessness – when the bill arrives and it must be examined and dealt with. She’s just being a bit silly and, possibly, trying not to make it weird. You could have a conversation along the lines of: “You can afford the dover sole/Chateau Lafitte but I can’t. I really want you to have it, but it would be wrong if I didn’t tell you that it makes the bill tricky for me to absorb.” Or have the chat that we have both had recently, which goes along the lines of, “I’m feeling a bit broke. Can you come over and I’ll make you a bowl of pasta in the kitchen instead of going out?”
A couple of gentle alerts will most likely reopen her eyes to the financial realities of most people, and we would bet that she will swiftly recalibrate. If you do value her friendship, if the only time she has been thoughtless or insensitive has been while trying to navigate her new liquidity, then have a chat. Say, “Financially I am struggling and it’s making me feel stressed and sad.” Watch her hear you. Watch her spread her friendship wings. At least give her the chance. The benefit of the doubt after 30 years. You can’t magic her unrich again; you can’t magic yourself rich; you can’t even magic yourself unmiffed. It’s all so annoying. But you can find ways to remind yourself why you love her. And that, in itself, could be a little bit magic. 
Read last week’s Midults column