Should you stay in a marriage where your husband’s mom comes first?

What do you do when your husband’s mother still calls all the shots? Many women feel sidelined in their marriage, especially when their husband prioritises their mother over them. Even the husband may find himself torn, caught between the love for his wife, with whom he shares a life and children, and his bond with the woman who raised him. In such situations, he risks being labelled either a “mamma’s boy” or a “joru ka ghulam”—a man controlled by his wife.
So, what’s the right course of action when you’re stuck in this tug-of-war?
While a son must care for his mother, there’s a difference between loving her and making her the third wheel in their marriage. If you notice this happening frequently, it’s important to express your feelings and help him understand the impact.

If your husband prioritises your mother-in-law over everything and that annoys you, you should communicate. (Photo: Unsplash)

Ruchi Ruuh, a Delhi-based relationship expert, urges women to address the issue sooner rather than later, ideally in a non-confrontational way. “It’s easy for these conversations to turn into a blame game, especially when the woman feels she isn’t getting enough attention, respect, or love,” Ruchi explains.
She suggests using ‘I’ statements like, ‘I feel uncared for when you’ or ‘I need more of your time and undivided attention when we’re together.’ This approach focusses on expressing the wife’s emotional experience without blaming or shaming the husband or his mother, which can help him be more receptive to the conversation,” she adds.
A recently released film, ‘Bad Newz’, touches on these complex dynamics, albeit imperfectly. In the movie, Tripti Dimri’s character, Saloni, is exasperated by her husband Akhil, played by Vicky Kaushal, who seems unable to go anywhere without his phone—especially when it comes to his mother’s calls. Even on their honeymoon, when his focus should be on his wife, Akhil remains glued to conversations with his mother. Frustrated, Saloni confronts him, only to uncover a deeper emotional scar linked to a past incident for which Akhil feels responsible.

Vicky Kaushal and Tripti Dimri in a still from Bad Newz. (Photo: YouTube)

Dr Chandni Tugnait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, therefore, suggests understanding the reasons behind this behaviour or inclination is crucial.
When one partner consistently places their parent’s needs above the spouse, it can create feelings of neglect, resentment and emotional distance.
“Over time, the spouse may feel unvalued or disconnected from their partner, leading to deeper issues of trust and intimacy. It can also make people lose the sense of partnership and dependability, which is crucial for a healthy marriage. As the basic intimacy wears off in the relationship, it can create conflicts and resentment in other areas like sex, emotional intimacy, financial decisions or even issues related to children,” says Ruchi.

When one partner consistently places their parent’s needs above the spouse, it can create feelings of neglect, resentment and emotional distance. (Photo: Unsplash)

Dr Tugnait explains that this prioritisation may manifest in various ways, such as:
When a husband consistently prioritises his mother over his wife, in the long run, it can create a significant imbalance in the marital relationship.
Deciding whether to stay in a marriage where your husband’s mom comes first is deeply personal and complex. It requires introspection, open communication, and, sometimes, professional guidance, says Dr Tugnait.
‘He’ needs to make an effort as well
Instead of viewing it as a choice between his wife and mother, he can create a balance between these relationships by maintaining clear boundaries and open communication. These are two different relationships and deserve an equal amount of respect. Ruchi Ruuh says that the husband should not try to compare these two.
“He needs to affirm his commitment to his wife and prioritise the marriage while respectfully navigating his relationship with his mother. Encouraging family harmony while also protecting the sanctity of the marriage can help, but this requires him to be assertive in setting boundaries with both parties when necessary,” says Ruchi.
If the issue persists despite all the efforts, consider seeking the help of a marriage counsellor. A professional can provide a neutral perspective and offer strategies to navigate this complex dynamic. Reflect on your own needs and well-being and consider whether staying in the marriage aligns with your values and long-term happiness.
Sometimes, prioritising your mental and emotional health may mean making difficult decisions.